StoppingFights.com

Texts for the Narration of the Videos

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INTRODUCTORY COMMONALITY

Welcome to StoppingFights.com, showing how to deal with conflicts positively and put together agreements, maintain relationships during crises, and soften verbal attacks.

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SPECIFIC INTRODUCTIONS

MEDICAL VIDEO This video of the series shows how to maintain relationships during crises.

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SCHOOL VIDEO This video of the series shows how to settle arguments.

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AUTO VIDEO This video of the series shows how to relieve verbal attacks.

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1ST TEACHING COMMONALITY

To change the way a conversation is going, stop talking for a moment to listen and redirect the useful power of your anger from counterattacking to understanding the person, finding out more about the challenger to help you advocate for your needs.

It’s a workshop!

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SPECIFIC VIDEOS

MEDICAL VIDEO

Find the common ground by restating positions in terms of shared concerns. Attack the problem not the person, talking it out to work it out.

SHOW MEDICAL VIDEO DEMONSTRATION

Settling an argument often takes more time to work out the details of the contributions to the agreement.

While the parents continued counterattacking, pushing each other farther off-center, the argument worsened. Then the mother redirected her power from counterattack first by breathing deeply. She stopped talking for a moment to let the father’s suggestion sink in, becoming more aware of his concern, then restated both parent’s positions as the shared concern of caring for their child, saying “We both want Kaylee to beat her cancer.” She repeated the father’s belief that “Chemo destroys cancer” while still advocating for support of the immune system. In turn the father agreed to cooperate if the doctor approved and to seek a second opinion to improve the chemo. To reach agreement, both parents contributed. Instead of fighting further, the parents began to follow a new path of cooperation starting with shared concern about their child, continuing as a team for her, with a win-win-win solution for the parents and the child.

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SCHOOL VIDEO

In a competition, being right and doing better than your opponent helps you dominate and win. In a relationship, insisting on your superiority and righteousness puts people off. Always winning is losing if you lose your love. The only way for a team to survive as a team is to listen to one another’s concerns, focusing on win-win agreements to co-operate.

SHOW SCHOOL VIDEO DEMONSTRATION

The thoughts about redirecting were spoken aloud to show the change needed to start listening and stop counterattacking. During an actual conflict the thoughts about redirecting are not spoken.

Settling an argument often takes more time to work out the details of the contributions to the agreement. Setting an example that can be used in other types of confrontations, the father started redirecting by breathing deeply. He stopped talking to give himself a moment to let the mother’s meaning sink in, becoming more aware of her concern, then showed listening with “You’re worried about Bobby” and understanding with, “You want him to succeed,” then continued toward a solution instead of counterattacking. The mother let go of formal schooling for their child to try tutoring, while the father offered to work to pay for it. Both parents contributed to the win-win-win solution for the parents and the child.

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AUTO VIDEO

When attacked, you feel the useful power of anger. Repressing your anger causes resentment that is like taking poison yourself and hoping that the other person will die. Instead use the power of your anger to focus on solving the problem.

SHOW AUTO VIDEO DEMONSTRATION

In this simple situation, she broke the chain of counterattacks by breathing to let his complaint sink in, then showed listening with “You saved up for this classic car… then I hit it”, reflecting back the challenger’s complaints. Showing him that he’d been heard gave him what he really needed, the communication that is much of what people need even in more complicated confrontations. Saying “I’m sorry” helped less than saying what she was going to do about it.

Even if a challenger is using foul painful language, redirecting the power of your anger to understanding the person relieves your pain, because you’re redirecting your power and focus from feeling pain to learning about the person, even though continuing to disagree. Trying to suppress the challenger’s frustration completely only increases it, whereas allowing a challenger to vent briefly meets the person’s emotional need, without yet yielding an actual point. Instead of withdrawing from a challenger who is cursing, reflect back the complaint to show you have listened, meeting the person’s need to be heard. If the foul language continues, then say “I want to solve this problem, so let’s avoid cursing and name-calling and attack the problem.”

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ENDING TEACHING COMMONALITY

Advice about what to do if someone in your daily life often yells for a long time, a page of tips for stopping fights, and the text for this video, are freely available at the website StoppingFights.com

If you don’t like the way a conversation is going, stop talking and breathe deeply to give yourself a moment to choose to really listen. Reflect the venting that you're hearing to let the challenger know you're listening. Redirect the useful power of your anger from counterattacking to understanding the person even while disagreeing. Sense the common spark of life in both of you. Imagine what it’s like to be the person looking out at the world through those eyes from that point of view. Become aware of more about the challenger and find out more about what’s needed, to help you advocate for your needs. In a relationship, always winning is losing if you lose your love. Imagine different ways to improve the situation temporarily while exploring win-win solutions that meet some of the needs of both persons.

The takeaway is: “Stop to breathe deeply and listen. Redirect the power of your anger to understanding the person, then imagine different ways to improve the situation and solve the problem.”

Put briefly, “Breathe, listen, understand, imagine, solve.”

Everyone encounters challengers. The methods shown here can be used to improve any confrontation. The world needs to learn how to deal with conflict positively, so please share this video as widely as possible or email the link StoppingFights.com

That’s the workshop!

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